he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
