i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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