Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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