Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
