I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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