just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
