Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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