he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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