sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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