is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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