I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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