brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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