plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
not ubering you a puppy
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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