FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
