Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
