you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
