Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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