you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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