I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
