First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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