you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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