I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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