Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I believe in your delicious
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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