I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Non-Jews are for practice
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
