I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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