you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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