Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
