The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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