Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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