Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
