She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
