1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
