Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
