woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
