Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
