just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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