saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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