I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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