so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
