I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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