Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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