IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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