I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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