At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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