Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He shit in the fireplace
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
