Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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