zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
