I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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