I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
