I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
