...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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