so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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