i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
