I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's never too late to be topless.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
