I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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