Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
