My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
