I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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