You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
