apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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