I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
