no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
